The Year I Gave Myself the Gift of Just Showing Up

For ten years I walked into that conference with a women’s organization carrying a big role. The responsibilities, the people to check on, all of me pulled in a dozen directions at once (I loved it AND it was a lot).

That role ended in January. I wrote about the grief of it then...how losing a role can feel like losing a piece of who you are. This year, at the event in Philadelphia (well, technically a hotel in King of Prussia), I walked in carrying...just me (ok, sort of...I had a lot of stuff packed in my car).

Knowing this year would be different, I set my intention well in advance. Show up in love and open to receive. Show up for me first and others next...the schedule could wait.

This event has a lot of high energy, and that first night, before the Thursday kickoff, I knew I needed the outdoors. So I found a pickleball court and a friend. It was 80 degrees and humid AND oh so good and fun! That was the grounding I needed. Over the next few days I slipped outside at break time, and one day I got my feet on the green grass next to a tree right beyond the front doors of the hotel. Sandals off, my lanyard tossed in my tote, plugging into the earth’s electromagnetic charge (no outlet required), with the first fall leaves scattered around me.

Last year in Minneapolis I went looking for grass because I’d already started to feel myself floating away with all the energy and things to do. This year I started preparing long before I packed the car, and I listened to what I needed. (Even the broken elevators and those 78 stairs couldn’t knock me off center.)

Here’s what I can’t prove and still believe. When people hugged me this year, I felt it more. I don’t know if they felt anything different...most of them had no idea what had shifted inside me. A hug goes both ways. If I was more present to receive it, I have to believe they felt more of me in it too. I wasn’t scattered across roles and responsibilities. I was whole.

I’ve been sitting with why that surprised me so much. For a long time, showing up for others meant me coming last. There was always something to do, someone to check on, and being needed felt a lot like being present.

The old pull still had its moments, especially with the two chapters I lead. There’s my local chapter, the women I see in person every month, right in my own backyard. AND there’s our virtual chapter, women from all over, and I kept feeling drawn to them all weekend. On the last night, the two groups weren’t seated near each other for the served dinner, so I had to choose a table. I chose the virtual chapter. It was a hard choice. I may have given the reason that I never get to see them in person (also true). After reflecting more, I think I did it for me.

What I found is that when I filled my own cup first, I didn’t have to ration what I gave. I could pour into others AND still protect my own energy. Not because I gave less...because I wasn’t giving from empty.

Instead of packing up and rushing home, I stayed an extra day. Sunday it rained, and a friend and I went to Longwood Gardens anyway...waterfalls, water lilies, bonsai, even a castle. Rain and all, I could feel myself settle. Then we picked up two more friends and headed to the Rocky Steps, where halfway up I caught myself singing Eye of the Tiger. In a cape. (That cape has its own story, and it involves a stolen minivan...it’s on all my socials if you missed it.) Early to bed, alarm at 4:30 am, and the long drive home. Gray skies, a pre-dawn alarm, hours in the car...and I’d still call that day a gift.

In January I grieved that role. I didn’t know then that losing it would hand me this: a weekend where I got to be fully me, in a room that had known me as the role for a decade. The gift was hiding inside the loss. I just had to open it.

So I’m curious about you...what role are you still holding so tightly that you can’t fully feel the hug?